Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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