This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
