Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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