Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Houston, we have a blender
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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