I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
