I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
