How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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