My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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