at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
