Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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