my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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