Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
