I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
