Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
