Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
