remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
