The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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