Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
