Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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