Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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