I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
