tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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