have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
