I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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