I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
