I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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