If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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