Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
