I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
