My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
