I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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