You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
