Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
