I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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