You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
