I cockslap morals
I could make wine with my vomit
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
