finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
