I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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