you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
