Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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