I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
