either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
