I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
