if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
