Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
