I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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