I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
