I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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