we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
