can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if only i could text you this smell
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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